I'm so sick of people and their mistakes. Especially my own. I hate it how every time i go through something completely awesome for God, the devil attacks me the next day and seems to always win. Its like i can't take a step forward without falling 2 steps back.
Example: last night, awesome message, awesome time with God. He gave me such a burden for some of the people in my school. He was encouraging me, and gave me so much hope for the next few years. I had been reading Matthew 10, about the harvest being ripe, about how its hard work, but he'll help us through anything and everything. Perfect. Insane how He ties it all together...
...then today, i had a pretty good day, but things just kind of fell apart as it went on. My mom and i weren't getting along. Just everything seemed to be going not quite right, and I wasn't handeling it at all. I was edgy, snapping at my mom and not making the best decisions, saying things i should't have said. I dont even really know what words describe it...
I'm so sick of the devil being victorious over God's children. I look around at so many people, and i see their struggles. Ive seen so many on fire for God, who have completely "burnt" out. Life seems to have been sucked completely away from them, and they're letting it happen. All God wants to do is pull us back to him, show us what he has in store for us, show us his love and grace. I see so many that are just turning away. I dont understand how. I want to just slap them across the face and yell at them. Ask them how they can just ignore what i've seen happen in them. I feel like i'm rambling, not sure about where my thoughts are. I'm scared i'll become one of those "burnt" out people. I'm afraid of getting caught up in the business of life: school, sports, in getting a job -- in things that dont really matter. I want to get closer to God through hard times, through rough times, but i'm afraid of my own weakness. My lack of boldness and laziness. I'm afraid of my future. I know what it could be, and what I want it to be, i just don't see how I can get there. I can't see myself becoming everything God wants me to be.
In my life, I want to make a difference. I want to show God's love to the lost and those who are broken. I want my friend's next to me in Heaven. I want to get to know Jesus even more every single day. I want to walk with him constantly, to hear is voice. To find joy in everything. To live my life the way he wants me to...
I just don't know if I actually can.
